Pastors are well aware of the courage it takes for many first-time visitors to find their way into our sanctuaries. They often have to deal with poor signage, lack of a welcoming face, and even hostility over where they choose to sit. In many ways visitors are as much a threat to a congregation as promise.
Imagine then what it takes for a gay person to show up for worship. All the above is compounded by a real or perceived sense of animosity toward who they are, even if it is not obvious at first sight. After all, the church’s reputation in the gay community as a hostile environment for them is well deserved.
I often attend P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meetings, and have spoken quite often. My congregation was officially “Open and Affirming,” and I was well known as a gay advocate in the community. After a period of many months and a lot of exposure, gays began to see that even though I was straight, I was for real. Surely, I thought, some of them will attend my church, and when they do, they will find a warm and affirming welcome. Several years of regular contact went by and not a single gay person came to worship with us. So, I shared my frustration with a gay friend who knew the situation well. His response hit me like an arrow through the heart. “Oh, they trust you alright, but because of their horrific experiences in their own churches, they are unwilling to trust strangers, no matter how sincerely they are approached.”
Ever since then, it has been my continual pursuit to find out how congregations can grow into a truly welcoming body that will not only attract gay visitors, but will allow themselves to be nourished by them, as well. Until congregations discover the joy of integrating gays into their communities, they will continue to, as they say, “stay away in droves.”
Of course, not all readers of this blog are committed to being open and affirming of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (GLBTs). Yet, many of you want to be at least welcoming, and consider yourself and your congregation open if not affirming. Please read on, as you may discover that you and/or your congregation may not be as open as you think.
Contrary to the conventional wisdom held by most pastors, what gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people desire most from a congregation is not affirmation or acceptance; what they want (and deserve) is to worship in safety. I define safety as a congregational culture devoid of spiritual violence. Affirmation and acceptance will accompany safety, but as long as there is the possibility of spiritual violence breaking out (except accidentally), GLBTs will not take a congregation, or its pastor, seriously.
What is spiritual violence? It is the condemnation and sustained abuse heaped upon GLBT people in the name of Jesus Christ.
One summer not too long ago, I received a call from a congregant who said that a relative was visiting and wanted to attend our church so he could let us have it over our affirming stance. He planned on interrupting our worship service where he would point out our sinful ways.
Naturally, this caused quite a bit of anxiety for me, as I have witnessed such outbursts before, but never during worship. However, I soon found that the congregation’s leaders were not in the least upset. They saw this as a means to demonstrate their solidarity with their gay members. So we devised a plan that we would implement if our hostile visitor’s words began to be abusive. The choir and musicians were prompted, at my signal, to rise and begin singing “They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love.” The leaders in the audience would also stand and sing, urging others to join in. In no time, the visitor would be drowned out and his relative would suggest they leave. As long as he stayed put, we would sing. If further coaxing would not work, the police would be called.
Unfortunately, the relative decided to stay home. We were not able to provide what would have been a powerful witness.
My point is this: we will not be able to avoid all forms of spiritual abuse of our gay members and visitors, but we can have plans in place that ensure continued safety.
Consequently, a church leader’s most important role is to foster a safe congregational environment. This is accomplished initially by personal example. Modeling of acceptance, affirmation, and not allowing spiritual violence to go unchallenged are critical. Then, promoting qualified GLBTs to leadership positions is vital. If the pastor’s demeanor toward GLBTs is a part of a comprehensive undertaking regarding all oppressed peoples, this will avoid GLBTs as being perceived as pastor’s pets, and will be more easily accepted by the congregation.
Another caution is not to treat GLBTs only as objects of concern and ministry. This creates an imbalance between straights and gays and is a reflection of heterosexism. In other words, straights may think of GLBTs as “unfortunately that way”, and wish they were straight (“for their own good”). This is translated into “straight is better” and is a form of spiritual violence.
What is needed is to use gayness as a model for human/Christian betterment. I highly recommend L. William Countryman and M. R. Ritley’s, Gifted by Otherness, as a good introduction to God’s gift to the church that is gayness. Here’s a quote, p. 151. “It is our [GLBTs] very woundedness, the fractures that we carry as a separate people in a hostile and condemning world that makes us pervious to God’s spirit, open to the shattering and healing life of God in Christ. Life has not given us security enough to rest in the cocoon of custom or inherited beliefs: we are more vulnerable, both to the worst the world can do to us and to the best that God can cause to happen in us. In a sense, we are the doorways through which God can enter a society, a church grown deaf to God’s good news.” Now THAT is a gift!!! The problem straight Christians have is our imperviousness to God’s spirit based on our power and privileged position in church and society. By way of example, the only difference between 12 step alcoholics and the rest of us is that they deeply understand their total dependence on God in ways the non-alcoholic is reluctant to acknowledge. Yes, GLBTs have much to teach us.
Here are just a few gifts gay Christians give to a congregation:
The witness of integrity (of being true to themselves and God while undergoing persecution)
The model of vulnerability (of risk taking for the sake of their faith)
The wholeness of being sexual/spiritual men and women (to an uptight church)
The willingness to love and to go on loving, no matter what the cost (the essence of Jesus Christ)
The reevaluation of family values (hate is not a family value)
The stark reality of oppression (which can awaken our sensitivity)
The stupefying realization of being the oppressor (allows us to repent)
As a pastor of an “Open and Affirming” congregation, I peppered my personal and public remarks with such things as, “As an open and affirming church, we…”, and, “As a people committed to overcoming injustice, we…”, and, “As a congregation which stands with the oppressed, we…”. I never, NEVER let up on these self-affirmations, as we need constant reminders of who we are, and we are never fully what we want to be. It’s important to remind ourselves that even open and affirming churches begin as open and hope to become affirming. Taking an open church to an affirming church is one of the great joys of pastoral leadership. Taking a closed church to open is grounds for sainthood.
If your heart is not committed to overcoming the church’s failure to receive our gay brothers and sisters with affirmation and integrity, don’t bother; your true attitude will soon (if not immediately) surface and you will be just another reason why they won’t come to our churches.
Perhaps another caveat is in order. When naming heterosexism as the virulent sin that it is, be sure to model the axiom to “love the sinner while hating the sin”. After all, God loves heterosexists, too.
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This posting is adapted from my article originally published in Vol. 30, Issue 2 of Sharing the Practice, www.apclergy.org. Their blog site is http://sharingthepracticeblogspot.com
