Open Hearts — Affirming Pages

Plessy v. Ferguson and Gay Marriage

The landmark ruling of the Supreme Court in Brown v. the Board of Education in 1954 overturned segregation and finally conceded in the words of Chief Justice Earl Warren, “ that the doctrine of 'separate but equal' has no place. Separate educational facilities are inherently unequal.”

A recent and stunning announcement in San Diego serves to underscore the same sentiment in the case of gay (in)equality. Republican Mayor Jerry Sanders recently signed a City Council resolution that urges the California Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriage after recognizing the impact it would have on his daughter, a lesbian.  "Two years ago, I believed that civil unions were a fair alternative," Sanders said. "Those beliefs, in my case, have changed. The concept of a 'separate but equal' institution is not something I can support….In the end, I couldn't look any of them [my family and friends] in the face and tell them that their relationships—their very lives—were any less meaningful than the marriage I share with my wife Rana."

What the mayor tapped into here, along with the keenly felt American sense of fairness, is a biblical reality that goes largely unnoticed.   After the first creation story of Genesis 1, God looked over all of creation and pronounced it “very good.”   This followed six days of creation, each pronounced, in turn, “good.”   Then, in Genesis 2, the first “not good” is proclaimed.  God discovered loneliness in the human heart, and that “it is not good for the human to be alone.”  Immediately God goes to work to end human loneliness and establishes forever that every human has the right to live in a loneliness-relieved relationship.

Ultimately, the refusal of marriage to same-sex couples is a denial of their humanity.  When the church denies marriage to gay couples it is saying that you are not worthy of having your loneliness relieved in the only way it is possible.  In other words, you are not worthy of being a human being.  Imagine the anguish of a straight person not being able to marry, ever, unless he or she married someone of the same sex.  This is the direct connection that Mayor Sanders made as he compared the life he lives with his wife against withholding the same benefit to those such as his daughter.  He could not refuse what God has ordained.  God created us all in the image of God.  Who are we to prohibit that which God has deemed necessary?

Jena, Louisiana-- Time Warp or Timely Warning?

Three nooses hanging from a tree, under which African American high school students recently began to gather, brought back memories to a community and nation that many hoped were long buried and finally forgotten.  However, the days of lynching are not that far behind us.  The so-called “new South” is not that new; old prejudices are still there, just better managed in public.  It’s hard to change human nature.

Numerous studies have been conducted over the years that inquire into the causes of hate crimes.  Most of these involve racial incidents, yet other categories, such as homosexuality, have been examined, as well.

How hate turns into violence seems to follow the same path regardless of the object of that hate.  There is a well-established pattern that flows from a perceived threat or fear to murder.

            A group is perceived as a threat

            The group is dehumanized

            The group is demonized

            The group is destroyed

In the case of African Americans, the perceived threats include miscegenation; safety of white women, competition for jobs.  Dehumanizing is accomplished by calling the men, “Boy,” use of the N-word, “watermelon eaters,” “perpetual children,” etc.  Demonizing takes the form of characterizations as sexual animals, voodoo worshipers, biblically cursed to be slaves.  Lynching without personal or societal remorse follows.

In the case of nonheterosexuals, the perceived threats include homosexual rape, AIDS, child molestation, the so-called “gay agenda.”  Dehumanizing is accomplished by calling them faggots, queers, fairies and the like.  Demonizing takes the form of characterizations as sexual animals, sexual predators, pedophiles, and biblically condemned to hell.  Murdering without personal or societal remorse follows.

I participated in a demonstration in Hawaii that captured the reality of this cycle.  A group of about 125 of us carried a coffin 110 miles around the island of Oahu over a twelve day period.  Fifteen people actually made it every step of the way.  (I didn’t.)  We were calling attention to hate crimes in Hawaii because the legislature was about to vote on a hate crimes bill.  The coffin held 167 death certificates of people murdered, in the year following the murder of Matthew Shepard, simply because of their sexual orientation. This included a three day old infant strangled by her father because of her “ambiguous genitalia.”

The commonalities between the African American and nonheterosexual experience are abundant: 

            Perception as the enemy

            Derogatory name calling

            Projected sexual deviance

            Biblical condemnation

            Unremorseful murder

In the wake of Jena, Louisiana, let’s not forget that that this story is more than that of racial strife in America.  It’s the continuing saga of fear and resentment of the dreaded ‘other’ whose only crime is that of being different.  So, next time you begin to form a derogatory slur in your mouth, regardless against whom it may be directed, consider that what you utter today may mean someone’s death tomorrow. 

An Inconvenient Truth

Today televangelist Juanita Bynum filed for divorce from her husband, “Bishop” Thomas Weeks, who is accused of beating her, saying their marriage has been “irretrievably broken.”  The couple often appeared together promoting their bestselling book, Teach Me How to Love You: The Beginnings.  Theirs is a multimillion dollar ministry, world-wide in scope, offering cures for all of life’s ills through faith in Jesus. This begs the question, Why didn’t that work for them?  Is this another case of “Physician heal thyself?”

As you surely know, divorce is condemned in the Bible.  God says in Malachi, “I hate divorce.”  Jesus was particularly severe in his condemnation of divorce, making remarriage virtually impossible without infidelity.  Nothing is plainer in Scripture than the fact that divorce is condemned.  There is no wiggle room here.  Facts are facts; plain is plain. 

Divorce was once a stigma in society.  If you were divorced, you were not eligible to hold office in your church (if you were allowed in at all), you were considered suspect in polite circles, and likely couldn’t get elected to public office. The red D on your forehead marked you for life. 

This is no longer true in our day.  Divorce is looked upon as an unfortunate turn of events, but no longer as the career killer and social liability it once was.  Not only are our pastors and teachers likely to be divorced (this is Bynum’s second marriage), a Republican politician with two divorces and a third wife is leading his rivals for nomination as his party’s candidate for president.  In fact, recent surveys found that Christian Evangelicals are more likely to be divorced than non-Evangelicals. 

I have a friend who carries with him a card that reads, “And I [Jesus] say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery.”  (Matthew 19:9)  He keeps it handy for those occasions when someone trots out a supposedly equally clear Scripture that condemns homosexuals.  The point is this:  we are eager to condemn those we find unacceptable while letting ourselves off the hook.  Divorce? Fine.  Homosexuality?  No way!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m on the side of leniency for divorced people.  Life is complicated and often resistant to hard and fast rules.  Grace is the only cure for those who can’t be perfect, which is all of us.  Even the Gospel writers and the apostle Paul found ways to ameliorate the hard sayings on divorce.  Mark, for instance, adds that women may divorce their husbands, as he was writing to Romans where women had this right.  In Matthew’s audience, Jewish women didn’t have that right.

Normally, I wouldn’t be commenting on this unfortunate turn of events for reverends Bynum and Weeks, were it not for the fact that they insist on naming homosexuality as a main factor in the destruction of the family.  Homosexuality is only a problem in some people’s minds; divorce is a problem in fact.  If Christians (televangelists and others) really wanted to do something about the appalling condition of American families, they would do much better going after the causes of divorce and leave our gay citizen alone.  They are not the problem. It is much easier to name the enemy that is without, than have to deal with the enemy within.  I know this is an inconvenient truth, but at least it has the virtue of being the truth.

Who Speaks for the Mrs. Craigs of Our World?

Amid all the name calling (pervert, hypocrite, etc.) and gay bashing surrounding the story of Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), the true victim is singularly overlooked: Mrs. Larry Craig.  In a perfect world, there would never have been a Mrs. Craig.  Nor would there be any women who, unexpectedly, find themselves married to gay men (and vice versa).  The hundreds of thousands of lives turned upside down by revelations, public and private, of a losing struggle against one's sexual orientation would, instead, be ancient history. 

One of the most destructive effects of forcing nonheterosexuals into the closet is that they are made to live double lives.  In order to survive, they need to appear to be just like their straight friends and neighbors.  Although the reasons many get married are complicated, often it becomes necessary to avoid suspicion, so they can keep their jobs and positions of respectability.  They love their spouses, but not in a romantically fulfilling way.  Inside, they are eaten up by the estrangement from their true selves.  Over time, many of them can't take this double life any longer and choose to end the marriage, and in too many cases, end their lives. 

Take my friends Theresa and Ron.  After eight years of marriage, Theresa came to Ron in tears, sobbing, "God made me wrong!"  Ron knew instantly what she was about to confess.  Their married life resembled more of brother/sister relationship than husband and wife.  Ron, heartbroken, realized that Theresa needed to be free for either of them to have a chance at a fulfilling relationship.  Now some twenty years later, both have found what they were looking for. 

Many are not as fortunate.  A not so happy ending occurred with David.  He took his life, unable to confront his wife with the burden that took his own life away.    

Of course, some small fraction of gays and lesbians would get married and have children even if there were no social disapproval.  I know several couples with gay spouses who choose to stay married even though both partners are fully aware of the other's orientation.

This perfect world I speak of is not one with no nonheterosexuals.  Rather, it is one in which those whose lives can only be fulfilled with someone of the same sex are encouraged to live out their hopes and dreams.  It is one in which children are allowed to find their own special sexuality and to find it good.  It is one in which no one is persecuted, laughed at, shamed or ridiculed, because of how God made them.  Yes, it is one in which no spouse needs to hear relationship ending words or have to bear the heartache of an unfulfilled partner.  It is a world with no Mrs. Larry Craigs. 

Family Values

U.S. Senator Larry Craig is the latest in a string of conservative “family values” advocates caught red- handed in the very thing they deplore.  He is only the latest in this long line of Republicans and Fundamentalists “self-outed” by their seemingly senseless and certainly risky behavior.  Ted Haggard, anyone?

This begs the question, “What’s going on here?”  Most of the commentators on these cases reduce the answer to hypocrisy and leave it at that.  Although, in most cases, their behavior flies in the face of their public stances and pronouncements, by labeling this behavior hypocritical, we miss the point entirely.  The hypocrisy label is merely a scapegoat to let us (straights) off the hook, for WE are the reason that this behavior exists at all.

Before I get to my main point, think a moment about a Jewish ghetto.  Gentile Christians invented the ghetto in order to literally wall-off the Jews, to make them invisible, to punish them, and to take their so-called threat away.

In much the same way, straights invented the closet.  We forced gays into living false lives (hypocritical, if you will) or face the many penalties, including death, that went with being out.  We wanted to make them invisible and, for many, we succeeded.  And then we have the bold-faced chutzpah to blame them for the results. 

Some effects of the closet on GLBTs include:

Clandestine sexual practices

Anonymous sexual practices

Inappropriate marriages

Self-loathing (internalized homophobia)

Magnet for disease (STD and otherwise)

Truncated sense of wholeness (disempowerment)

Superficial relationships with straights and gays

Imposed hypocrisy

Sheer pain of not being oneself

Intense loneliness of not being wholly possessed by or possessing a life companion

Senator Craig and Ted Haggard are the victims, not of hypocrisy, but of the closet—a closet of our making.  This is a true case of blaming the victim when the finger should be pointing at us. 

A corollary is at work here.  Just as the closet makes this behavior inevitable, the elimination of the closet makes it go away.  So, if you find the behavior of certain people reprehensible, instead of punishing them in the closet, allow them to live their lives in the full light of day.  They and you will be all the better for it.

When Welcoming Is More Than Toleration

Pastors are well aware of the courage it takes for many first-time visitors to find their way into our sanctuaries.  They often have to deal with poor signage, lack of a welcoming face, and even hostility over where they choose to sit.  In many ways visitors are as much a threat to a congregation as promise.

Imagine then what it takes for a gay person to show up for worship.  All the above is compounded by a real or perceived sense of animosity toward who they are, even if it is not obvious at first sight.  After all, the church’s reputation in the gay community as a hostile environment for them is well deserved.

I often attend P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meetings, and have spoken quite often.  My congregation was officially “Open and Affirming,” and I was well known as a gay advocate in the community.  After a period of many months and a lot of exposure, gays began to see that even though I was straight, I was for real.  Surely, I thought, some of them will attend my church, and when they do, they will find a warm and affirming welcome.  Several years of regular contact went by and not a single gay person came to worship with us.  So, I shared my frustration with a gay friend who knew the situation well.  His response hit me like an arrow through the heart.  “Oh, they trust you alright, but because of their horrific experiences in their own churches, they are unwilling to trust strangers, no matter how sincerely they are approached.”

Ever since then, it has been my continual pursuit to find out how congregations can grow into a truly welcoming body that will not only attract gay visitors, but will allow themselves to be nourished by them, as well.  Until congregations discover the joy of integrating gays into their communities, they will continue to, as they say, “stay away in droves.”

Of course, not all readers of this blog are committed to being open and affirming of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (GLBTs).  Yet, many of you want to be at least welcoming, and consider yourself and your congregation open if not affirming.   Please read on, as you may discover that you and/or your congregation may not be as open as you think.

Contrary to the conventional wisdom held by most pastors, what gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people desire most from a congregation is not affirmation or acceptance; what they want (and deserve) is to worship in safety.  I define safety as a congregational culture devoid of spiritual violence.  Affirmation and acceptance will accompany safety, but as long as there is the possibility of spiritual violence breaking out (except accidentally), GLBTs will not take a congregation, or its pastor, seriously. 

What is spiritual violence?  It is the condemnation and sustained abuse heaped upon GLBT people in the name of Jesus Christ.

One summer not too long ago, I received a call from a congregant who said that a relative was visiting and wanted to attend our church so he could let us have it over our affirming stance.  He planned on interrupting our worship service where he would point out our sinful ways. 

Naturally, this caused quite a bit of anxiety for me, as I have witnessed such outbursts before, but never during worship.  However, I soon found that the congregation’s leaders were not in the least upset.  They saw this as a means to demonstrate their solidarity with their gay members.  So we devised a plan that we would implement if our hostile visitor’s words began to be abusive.  The choir and musicians were prompted, at my signal, to rise and begin singing “They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love.”  The leaders in the audience would also stand and sing, urging others to join in.  In no time, the visitor would be drowned out and his relative would suggest they leave.  As long as he stayed put, we would sing.  If further coaxing would not work, the police would be called.

Unfortunately, the relative decided to stay home.  We were not able to provide what would have been a powerful witness.

My point is this:  we will not be able to avoid all forms of spiritual abuse of our gay members and visitors, but we can have plans in place that ensure continued safety. 

Consequently, a church leader’s most important role is to foster a safe congregational environment.  This is accomplished initially by personal example.  Modeling of acceptance, affirmation, and not allowing spiritual violence to go unchallenged are critical.  Then, promoting qualified GLBTs to leadership positions is vital.  If the pastor’s demeanor toward GLBTs is a part of a comprehensive undertaking regarding all oppressed peoples, this will avoid GLBTs as being perceived as pastor’s pets, and will be more easily accepted by the congregation. 

Another caution is not to treat GLBTs only as objects of concern and ministry.  This creates an imbalance between straights and gays and is a reflection of heterosexism.  In other words, straights may think of GLBTs as “unfortunately that way”, and wish they were straight (“for their own good”).  This is translated into “straight is better” and is a form of spiritual violence. 

What is needed is to use gayness as a model for human/Christian betterment.  I highly recommend L. William Countryman and M. R. Ritley’s, Gifted by Otherness, as a good introduction to God’s gift to the church that is gayness. Here’s a quote, p. 151. “It is our [GLBTs] very woundedness, the fractures that we carry as a separate people in a hostile and condemning world that makes us pervious to God’s spirit, open to the shattering and healing life of God in Christ.  Life has not given us security enough to rest in the cocoon of custom or inherited beliefs: we are more vulnerable, both to the worst the world can do to us and to the best that God can cause to happen in us.  In a sense, we are the doorways through which God can enter a society, a church grown deaf to God’s good news.”  Now THAT is a gift!!!  The problem straight Christians have is our imperviousness to God’s spirit based on our power and privileged position in church and society.  By way of example, the only difference between 12 step alcoholics and the rest of us is that they deeply understand their total dependence on God in ways the non-alcoholic is reluctant to acknowledge.  Yes, GLBTs have much to teach us.

Here are just a few gifts gay Christians give to a congregation:

The witness of integrity (of being true to themselves and God while undergoing persecution)

The model of vulnerability (of risk taking for the sake of their faith)

The wholeness of being sexual/spiritual men and women (to an uptight church)

The willingness to love and to go on loving, no matter what the cost (the essence of Jesus Christ)

The reevaluation of family values (hate is not a family value)

The stark reality of oppression (which can awaken our sensitivity)

The stupefying realization of being the oppressor (allows us to repent)

As a pastor of an “Open and Affirming” congregation, I peppered my personal and public remarks with such things as, “As an open and affirming church, we…”, and, “As a people committed to overcoming injustice, we…”, and, “As a congregation which stands with the oppressed, we…”.  I never, NEVER let up on these self-affirmations, as we need constant reminders of who we are, and we are never fully what we want to be.  It’s important to remind ourselves that even open and affirming churches begin as open and hope to become affirming.  Taking an open church to an affirming church is one of the great joys of pastoral leadership.  Taking a closed church to open is grounds for sainthood.

If your heart is not committed to overcoming the church’s failure to receive our gay brothers and sisters with affirmation and integrity, don’t bother; your true attitude will soon (if not immediately) surface and you will be just another reason why they won’t come to our churches.

Perhaps another caveat is in order.  When naming heterosexism as the virulent sin that it is, be sure to model the axiom to “love the sinner while hating the sin”.   After all, God loves heterosexists, too.

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This posting is adapted from my article originally published in Vol. 30, Issue 2 of Sharing the Practice,  www.apclergy.org.  Their blog site is http://sharingthepracticeblogspot.com

The Purpose of This Blog Site

Why would a straight, married, father of two heterosexual children, and Christian pastor want to get mixed up in the most controversial, hate-filled and career ending ministry in support of LGBTs? Especially when there is absolutely no pressure on me to enter this fray. No, I don't have a death wish, or have a gay lover secreted away somewhere. I'm basically a normal guy. I shy away from confrontation and go out of my way to find mutually satisfying outcomes in disputes.

So, what am I doing here? Very simply, I've learned that the gospel of Jesus Christ compels me to come to the side of the oppressed wherever and whenever they are found. Harvard’s Byrne Fone calls homophobia “the last respectable bigotry in America.” Christians may not be responsible for creating homophobia, but we sure are responsible for maintaining it. Victims of spiritual abuse (not to mention, for now, physical abuse) abound. We have literally driven these “other than ourselves” from our churches. They have been demonized, scapegoated and condemned for so long and so often that to find one out of the closet in a congregation beats the odds of winning the lottery. We should be ashamed, but we are not; we should repent, but we do not. And the most amazing thing of all is that we need, for our own sakes, the presence of nonheterosexual Christians in our congregations and don’t have a clue as to why.

I do not come to this struggle as their savior; I come as a repentant homophobe who has received much from the gay community and has more to learn about being a Christian from them. In future blogs, I intend to delve into the gifts gays bring to a congregation, gifts that are desperately needed, yet entirely absent from most congregations. Suffice it to say for now that the straight church has much to learn. In fact, if we don’t learn these lessons, we are at risk of losing our own way. No, I am no savior. I am a grateful recipient of their unmerited grace.

LGBT Christians (yes, there is such a thing), do not need us, at least not in our present state of hostility. They have managed to carve out an existence at the edge of the church at great expense to themselves which has ennobled them in ways that we cannot approach. When, at last, the straight congregations find their way to welcoming and affirming them, it will not be because we finally understand the issue. No, it will be because we finally understand our own desperate need for them in our midst.

This blog, then, is an effort to bring the straight church to its senses. It is an effort to bring the message of the inclusive gospel that will confront us with our sins and bring us to our knees. It is a plea to those we’ve textually abused not to abandon us, but to nurture us and witness to the life changing power of Jesus. This is why I am in this struggle, and hope to convince you to join it yourself. I can guarantee you two things: your life will never be the same, and you’ll be thankful for that. On the other hand, if you don’t need convincing, welcome aboard. I hope to hear from you, as well as those who disagree. Maybe we can come together on at least this: what we share in Christ is more valuable than our disagreements. And I ask you, would you be willing to extend that grace to those “other than ourselves?”